Connected

So I went over to my Grandfather's house earlier today, or I guess really yesterday. I am kind of tired and on a bad sleep schedule, which is probably gonna get worse, so things kind of blend right now. Just not in a good, alcoholic buzz sort of way. My mom was there.

Situation - My Grandfather is 90 years old, and probably beginning that degeneration into death that many of those who live to great age eventually do. He really should be in a elder care type facility, with 24 hour medical care. But the situation is what it is, and my mother, my aunt and their brother have made their choices. The reasoning is beyond the scope of this post or anything I am likely to put in a public place. As Nietzsche has stated, paraphased, just because one thinks, one does not think correctly, and my mother and her siblings are opening themselves up to what can potentially be a tragedy of errors.

It was my mother's shift, and as usual she did some of her emotional unloading. As a mentally ill person, who has been in successful treatment, honestly its all bullshit. People place their own perceptive masks over what they see, listen to, etc and for the most part do damage to themselves.

There is no point in fighting an inevitability on any level, even emotionally, because you can't win, and the act of losing, whether its a singular crushing event, such as a death, or a long drawn out, craptacular experience, does not change the fact that the process and the result are inevitable.

So long as my mother has chosen to participate in that situation where her and her siblings take care of him, they just have to deal with it, and the most positive way, path which minimizes the damage, is to work with the situation as best one can.

Now, in the process of this conversation, things drifted around to my niece, technically my cousin Sara's daughter, but Michael and Sara are, emotionally and spiritually my brother and sister, heck I think of the other grandkids like that too, but more of a younger set of siblings, the kind you look out for, first and foremost. Caroline's 8th birthday party is today and I sort of can't go. I have both health and finance issues which prevent that. That does not mean that I won't go, who knows there may be a last minute solution.

My mother made a comment that hit on one of my emotional strings. She said, roughly, "that there will be enough people there and that she won't miss you".

Well damn it, I want her to miss me. I want her to want me around.

More to the point, but more drawn out, way back in my psychotherapy, I had this persistent feeling of being totally disconnected from the events around me. And in reality, while I was connected in sense, it was not in a way that made me emotionally healthy. I was disconnected and it hurt. It has only been over the last year or so, that I have advanced to the point of forming more tangible social connections, and though I still suck at them, they are there and I want them.

I think, as human beings, perhaps borrowing roughly from some commentary that I once heard Dennis Prager make on his short lived, but awesome tv show, we sometimes want to be alone, but we don't ever want to be lonely. To be disconnected.

The Least Worst of.....

Never have I understood the title of the Type O' Negative best of album so well, given my most recent life affecting decision.

I have been out of work since approximately Feb 1st or so, with a lower back/lumbar/disc problem of some sort that also cause me, temporarily, to lose most feeling and a lot of strength in my right leg. After spending several months wondering if things were ever going to get better, if it would be better to just not wake up, I received the letter from work which stated that my job would be vacated if I did not return by a certain date.

Money has been tight. Due to a combination in once circum... well that's a story for another time. Suffice it to say that money has been tight. With the termination of my job, would go my health insurance.

So my options were

- Welfare, which would cover the health care costs, provide some ancillary benefits such as food stamps and such but would cost me my apartment.

-Unemployment, which would mean no more health coverage unless I could afford it on my own via the Cobra coverage, though the money would pay my bills and I would be able to attend school with extra financial aid. This last bit would probably be true of welfare as well.

-Return to work, which gives me my salary, and health care coverage.

I asked my doctor for a prescription pain killer, which I am certain that I would need to return to work, and spoke to my supervisor about not having to work 12 hour shifts anymore, and it turned out she eliminated those anyway, and got the evening shift, so returning to work turned out to be the least worst option...

Rest in Peace Peter Steele

The Garden (of Delusion)

Damn you blizzard! This is what I get for WoW downtime. Usually I put these movies on, on the other screen and sort of glance over for the cool moments, or the tit shots or the fight scenes or whatever and just use them to help past the lack of background noise. But no. Blizzard has to make me pay attention to this shit completely....

Movie in question....The Garden.

Now, this movie does have one thing going for it. Lance Henriksen. Lance the man. Perhaps the most underrated actor of all time. Generally speaking, anything, and I mean anything with Lance fucking Henriksen in it, is worth one fucking watch. He has some all time classics like Pumpkinhead for example or Alien.

This however is not an all time classic.

It started off well. Slow... but well.

It opens more or less with a troubled boy, in a psychiatric hospital, being tested. He is cutting himself, and having horrible nightmares. The troubles are being expressed in his artwork, which has a dark and twisted nature to it. His parents are recently divorced, his dad recently sober, his mom well too expensive for the budget it seems, nowhere recently to be found. The dad takes him home from the hospital back to the farm in Oregon, for the last of his summer stay, when the boy has a delusion that cause the family suv to go flying over a cliff. Luckily they survive and are nursed to health by Satan.

Yes, Satan.

The devil himself, apparently lives in the same town as the dad. And he seems like a nice guy. In fact nothing makes you think this might in fact be the motherfucking devil, except for what clearly seems to be the psychiatric delusions of the 12 year old, until almost the very end of the film. Lance goes about his business in every way trying to help the boy recover from his psychiatric trauma, the father continue his recovery from bad marriage, even provides the father and son with a place to live, and gives the father a job, when the US Federal government condemns dads farm due to toxic pesticide cleanup being necessary, such a pesticide presence might actually explain why the boy is having delusions and seizures to begin with, but hey, somehow the movie has to have a twist right....

Well, can we lead into the twist, make it make sense?

Nah...

Why bother.

In the middle of the devil being a nice guy and everyone else being a douche bag, lets just let the devil come out and say sure, its all part of my plan.

And he still goes on being a nice guy to the father and son. We never know for sure if he really killed anyone? Why

BECAUSE WE SEE THEM ALL AT THE END OF THE FILM SEEMINGLY ALIVE. POSSIBLY BECAUSE THE DELUSIONAL 12 YEAR OLD IS HAVING ANOTHER DELUSION AFTER HE DROVE A SWORD INTO LANCE HENRIKSONS CHEST.

Yes, that's right.

Basically, short summary of this film...

Boy has delusion
Boy has delusion
Boy causes car accident
Devil nurses boy and dad back to health
Devil is a nice guy
Boy has delusion
Devil is a nice guy
Boy has delusion
Devil is a nice guy
Boy has delusion
Devil out of nowhere declares his evil plot but still goes on being a nice guy
Boy has delusion
Boy stabs Lance Henriksen in chest with Sword
Boy has delusion.

The end


I took one for the team. Don't watch this, I did. That's one more than enough.

Reborn

Well, I decided to give this blogging thing another go. Let's see how long this lasts....

Anyway, I movie review or in this case, a horror show up first.