Connected

So I went over to my Grandfather's house earlier today, or I guess really yesterday. I am kind of tired and on a bad sleep schedule, which is probably gonna get worse, so things kind of blend right now. Just not in a good, alcoholic buzz sort of way. My mom was there.

Situation - My Grandfather is 90 years old, and probably beginning that degeneration into death that many of those who live to great age eventually do. He really should be in a elder care type facility, with 24 hour medical care. But the situation is what it is, and my mother, my aunt and their brother have made their choices. The reasoning is beyond the scope of this post or anything I am likely to put in a public place. As Nietzsche has stated, paraphased, just because one thinks, one does not think correctly, and my mother and her siblings are opening themselves up to what can potentially be a tragedy of errors.

It was my mother's shift, and as usual she did some of her emotional unloading. As a mentally ill person, who has been in successful treatment, honestly its all bullshit. People place their own perceptive masks over what they see, listen to, etc and for the most part do damage to themselves.

There is no point in fighting an inevitability on any level, even emotionally, because you can't win, and the act of losing, whether its a singular crushing event, such as a death, or a long drawn out, craptacular experience, does not change the fact that the process and the result are inevitable.

So long as my mother has chosen to participate in that situation where her and her siblings take care of him, they just have to deal with it, and the most positive way, path which minimizes the damage, is to work with the situation as best one can.

Now, in the process of this conversation, things drifted around to my niece, technically my cousin Sara's daughter, but Michael and Sara are, emotionally and spiritually my brother and sister, heck I think of the other grandkids like that too, but more of a younger set of siblings, the kind you look out for, first and foremost. Caroline's 8th birthday party is today and I sort of can't go. I have both health and finance issues which prevent that. That does not mean that I won't go, who knows there may be a last minute solution.

My mother made a comment that hit on one of my emotional strings. She said, roughly, "that there will be enough people there and that she won't miss you".

Well damn it, I want her to miss me. I want her to want me around.

More to the point, but more drawn out, way back in my psychotherapy, I had this persistent feeling of being totally disconnected from the events around me. And in reality, while I was connected in sense, it was not in a way that made me emotionally healthy. I was disconnected and it hurt. It has only been over the last year or so, that I have advanced to the point of forming more tangible social connections, and though I still suck at them, they are there and I want them.

I think, as human beings, perhaps borrowing roughly from some commentary that I once heard Dennis Prager make on his short lived, but awesome tv show, we sometimes want to be alone, but we don't ever want to be lonely. To be disconnected.